Funny One-Liners: Short and Snappy Jokes for Quick Laughs

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
I don't need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
The closest I've come to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't read it.
"Do you believe in life after death?" "No, of course not." "Well, that's one less thing to worry about."
I used to be a lifeguard, but that job was just too stressful. I mean, all those shores to watch.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman; I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together.
The more you weight, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
I'm writing an essay about a famous composer. I'm Bach and Beethoven.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
I'm reading a book on how to cut your own hair. I'll be cutting it close.
What do you call a fake noodle? An "impasta."
My girlfriend told me to do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.